And so said the Malbeth Seer...
Round about the dead paths go
So must Isildur's heir be thrown
Stand, they by the Erech Stone
Oathbreakers are more than thirty-one
By the king they will be got
Then move yer arse before it's shot
Double, double toil and trouble
Fire burn, and marshes bubble
"I know, let's play ignore the warg
Perhaps she'll go away."
"Sure, go ahead and try," says she,
*Plants butt* "I think I'll stay."
The others sigh, they roll their eyes
They start another thread.
But BadWargMama fluffs her coat
And fills them all with dread.
"What will we do? What can we say
To make the fur brain leave?"
She snorts and lolls her bright red tongue.
Her teeth they do perceive.
"Oh woe, oh no, then we must go."
They pack their Tolkien tomes,
And leave the bad warg all alone
And so go to their homes.
"Oh, but wait! We mustn't leave, that
Warg sits in cyber space.
The bright white teeth and drooling tongue
Won't hurt us in that place."
So back they go to slander row
And ask her nicely please,
"Will you behave? We'll let you stay.
We didn't mean to tease."
"Oh har, and har, twas jolly fun
I cannot leave you now.
The party starts at half past one
You bring the puppy chow."
A Warg's Valentine
Wolves can howl and sing under starry moon;
Yellow eyes adore you yearning for love.
Bright teeth rip hearts from breasts and make you swoon;
Your foes entrails hang glist'ning from above.
You run away I cannot understand
What I did wrong and why you fear me so?
Please believe I'm here and at your command
And death for love is only apropos.
My teeth for love is what I offer you;
No fat'ning choc-o-late nor wilting bloom.
What wargs do best is the best I can do.
Hate reduces me to despairing gloom
I'm over it! I'll eat my valentine
You had your chance and I'm not one to whine.
Erin's Bad Day
That darkly, dismal day,
the show she could not see
So she returned her way
the last time it could be
in sorrow she returned
to her lonesome abode
For "Fellowship" she yearned
As she sped down the road
the mirror to her dismay
did flash in blue and red
Road cop it did display
and filled her heart with dread
She pulled to the roadside
It could not get much worse
unless she up and died
and went home in a hearse
Her drivers license and
auto registration
insurance proof in hand
sat in resignation
The law came to her door
and glared in icy scorn
no mercy her face wore
poor Erin felt forlorn
"You were going too fast."
The officer accused.
Erin sat there aghast
By this she was confused
She had been very sure
Speedometer had read
For reasons quite obscure
The speed limit it said.
But it was of no use
The ticket was still hers
There just was no excuse
when misfortune occurs.
With ticket in her lap
she sadly drove away
and left that smiling sap
to spoil another's day.
Officer unaware
Who tormented my friend
Of warg you should beware
You'll make a tasty end.
I'm BA-ack
Bilbo thot he'd write a book
his 'ventures to record,
but when he read the book out loud
most folks - they just got bored.
So off he went to see the elves
in hopes that they would be
a better crowd to hear his poems
and not be put to sleep.
They tucked him in a little room
and gave him lots of praise
he thot himself quite the one
to start the little craze.
So when the ring he once had found
showed up in elven town.
He hoped another 'venture his
so he could write it down.
But no one liked his little plan
and gave his ring away
Now he has to wait until the
tale comes back his way.
No Coffee
They have no coffee in the shire
nor chocolate in Bree
No Starbucks found in Rivendell
They only serve hot tea.
Espresso is unheard of in
the whole of Middle Earth.
Cafe latte cannot be found
of mocha there's a dearth.
Weed and tea are not enough
To keep this old girl wired.
I cannot live in Middle Earth
When caffeine is required.
Poor, Poor Boromir
He'd like to try the One Ring on some time.
So he his land and people could protect.
He's sure it would not be so bad a crime,
and might not have on him the same effect.
Instead they gave it to that fuzzy child.
Hobbit he's called, tho' childish he seems.
But Frodo's tough and quick when he gets riled,
And sees right through Lord Boromir's slick schemes.
In great remorse he fought then had his rest,
While plucking orcish arrows from his breast.
See the Orkies Run
The day was dark our hearts were grim
We thought all good was done,
But then the horse king had a whim
To see the orkies run.
He set upon Field Pelennor
his riders all and one
They laughed and sang and so much more
And made the orkies run.
The wraith king tried to slow the tide
and spoil all the fun.
By girl and hobbit, black hope died
Then did those orkies run.
In part because their hearts were true
The war was fin'ly won.
The real reason we know is due
To seeing orkies run.
The Mournful Warg
The wolves and wargs did slowly while away
While watching dwarves and elves grow fat and strong
it happened then one fine December day
nine folk appeared where they did not belong
who could not blame the wolves for howling then
a feast so fine, a blessing from the north
That Elrond dude by canines thought a friend
because from Rivendell the feast came forth
but, dang, the food did not cooperate.
by fire and dart for food they had to wait.
The Mustard of Rohan
You've probably heard the Rohirrim do love
Their horses more than anything hold dear,
But there is news from Harrowdale above,
With ale and bread it gives their hearts more cheer.
'What can it be?' you ask before you faint.
'Tis mustard gold upon their dogs they eat.
Other folk blanch and find the habit quaint,
But nothing tastes so lovely on their meat.
So take the horse and take the spear and shield.
Mustard of Rohan flows upon the field.
The Warg' s Moon Song
I'm singing to the moon
Ah woo-woo-woo
This is opportune
Ah woo-woo-woo
In BT's saloon
Ah woo-woo-woo
Everyone will swoon.
Ah woo-woo-woo-ooo-oo-oo
Sausages I ate
Ah woo-woo-woo
they were really great
Ah woo-woo-woo
for flatulence we wait
Ah woo-woo-woo
will Ekla get irate?
Ah woo-woo-woo-ooo-oo-oo
the elves it will harass
Ah woo-woo-woo
They think that it is crass
Ah woo-woo-woo
they all cry alas
Ah woo-woo-woo
When wargy has some gas
Ah woo-woo-woo-ooo-oo-oo
When lil hobbits toot
Ah woo-woo-woo
we all think its cute
Ah woo-woo-woo
beware the wargy's fruit
Ah woo-woo-woo
the smell will be acute
Ah woo-woo-woo-ooo-oo-oo
Oh boy here it comes
Ah woo-woo-woo
better get the tums
Ah woo-woo-woo
before the warg succumbs
Ah woo-woo-woo
and smelly she becomes
Ah woo-woo-woo-ooo-oo-oo
Warg emptied out the bar
Ah woo-woo-woo
they're running near and far
Ah woo-woo-woo
They think it is bizarre
Ah woo-woo-woo
the smell is beyond par
Ah woo-woo-woo-ooo-oo-oo
I'm howling at the moon
Ah woo-woo-woo
it is a lonely tune
Ah woo-woo-woo
it's over far too soon
Ah woo-woo-woo
alone in the saloon.
Ah woo-woo-woo-ooo-oo-oo
Ah woo-woo-woo-ooo-oo-oo
Ah woo-woo-woo-ooo-ooooo-ooo-ooooo-ooo-wooooo-ooo-ooooo
Well, so much for a wild party tonite . . . so where's that haggis . . . not much on the floor to eat . . . hm . . . ah, well hm, I think there's more sausages . . . yea-a-a-ah . . . yummy . . .
The Wargs will Howl
The wargs will howl. The wolves, they yowl.
The Orcs make such a clatter,
The dragons rise up from their beds
to see what is the matter.
The elves shall dance, the dwarves can prance,
The hobbits drink the ale.
The Kings enthroned just scratch their heads
And Queens: they all turn pale
The wizards cringe, the ents unhinge,
Gollum got the giggles.
In the forest dark and dank the
Spiders got the wiggles.
The stars and moon likely will swoon
Just then Mount Doom erupts.
What's the cause of all this trauma?
Sauron's got the hiccups.
Watch what you eat
The chief of the wolves was old Carcharoth,
Who ingested a silmaril in hand.
The rock turned his innards into a froth,
And in agony could not understand.
Heartburn induced by ingesting a stone
Seemed strange to his primitive lupine brain.
Doctors diagnosed his hurt overblown
so he ate them to better ascertain.
They found the cause of Carcharoth's travails
was the scum under Beren's fingernails.
Wraith Halitosis
Somebody give that wraith a mint
His breath we cannot bear
And please give the old boy a hint
about his dental care.
The girls and guys all faint away
Whenever he's around
Black breath, it's called, is so cliché
Sweet breath is more profound.
Jabberwock
from the Burping Troll
A Jabberwock, a jabberwock!
We found a jabberwock!
Who'd a' tho't the brillig elves,
A jubjub bird could catch,
Or that the mimsy hobbits
Could flush a bandersnatch.
Thru gyre and gimble, gloom and gore,
A vorpal blade the young elf bore,
gallumphing thru the jabber's door,
Snicker-snack, hick 'n hack,
Jabberwock was not but thatch.
With that the adventure was o'er ...
A Jabberwock, a jabberwock!
We found a jabberwock!
A Jabberwock, a jabberwock!
We found a jabberwock!
But No! Wiffling in the dark
a frumious chortle
Stopped the maties in their tracks
Beside the dark portal
Poor wargie hid her head in shame
The uffish stench erased all blame
Then from the tugly shadows came
Mom of Jabberwocky who
Carroll made immortal
The jaws that bite, the eyes of flame.
A Jabberwock, a jabberwock!
We found a jabberwock!
A Jabberwock, a jabberwock!
We found a jabberwock!
Who'd a' tho't the brillig elves,
could ever run so fast.
Or that the mimsy hobbits
refuse to be repast,
O frabjous day! Callooh Callay!
All but the warg did run away,
And still upon the ground she lay
The Jabberwocky mother
stood over her and asked
Would you play with Jab today?
A Jabberwock, a jabberwock!
We found a jabberwock!
A Jabberwock, a jabberwock!
We found a jabberwock!
Then Jabberwock in mome raths
covered in CherryB
Shyly slipped from 'hind his mom
and frabjous wargy see.
He clapped his claws in beamish joy
Scooped up that brillig furry toy
A warg the Jabber would employ
unless her friends came back soon
forever she would be.
Playmate for Jabberwocky boy
A Jabberwock, a jabberwock!
We found a jabberwock!
A Jabberwock, a jabberwock!
We found a jabberwock!
Song for Aerio
from the Burping Troll
There once was an elf from a far-away land,
Who tho't he should ask a fair maid for her hand,
He did get that fair hand right smack cross his face,
Be-cause the elf's mum nev-er taught him his place.
Oh fa-la-la-lolly an elf and his folly,
Oh ho-lo-lo-drolly in the Burpin' Troll Trolly.
He came to the Troll thinking he'd get a drink,
If he isn't careful he'll be minding the sink,
Cause Meri the hobbit's a pub cleaning freak,
The Burping Troll Pub is so clean it can squeak.
Oh fa-la-la-lolly an elf and his folly,
Oh ho-lo-lo-drolly in the Burpin' Troll Trolly.
He met several elves and a hobbit or two,
There're orcs and a Balrog to mention a few,
The best of the rest is the bad Warg so drear,
Has everyone trem'blin' with horrible fear.
Oh fa-la-la-lolly an elf and his folly,
Oh ho-lo-lo-drolly in the Burpin' Trolly.
The Warg took a lick'n to the newbie elf prince,
But the elf by sheer luck or co-inc-i-dence,
Avoided her pounce, she went down in a flounce.
The whole pub loves elves who can the wargy trounce.
Oh fa-la-la-lolly an elf and his folly,
Oh ho-lo-lo-drolly in the Burpin' Trolly.
Everybody:
Oh fa-la-la-lolly an elf and his folly,
Oh ho-lo-lo-drolly in the Burpin' Trolly.
Again:
Oh fa-la-la-lolly an elf and his folly,
Oh ho-lo-lo-drolly in the Burpin' Trolly.
Again:
Oh fa-la-la-lolly an elf and his folly,
Oh ho-lo-lo-drolly in the Burpin' Trolly.
The Ballad of Celebsul
from the Burping Troll
Once Celebsul was a grand ole elf
and a grand ole elf was he,
But he tried one day to 'scape his chores
and the rest is history.
He found a stick left in some ole chest
and he waved it in the air
what happened then was that all the rest
of the gang saw he wern't there.
They all looked high and the warg looked low
But the only thing they found
Was a poor smeared frog from Ekla's blow
and a stick upon the ground
Then Aerio tried to kiss his friend
o, but much to our dismay
Tho' he puckered up and risked Cel's grin
He's not to be saved that way.
Then Merithehobbit waved the stick
A puff of smoke and a zap.
Celebsul gave his long ear a flick.
and Hopped into Sevil's lap.
One more time the young elf tried to save
the bunny Cel' with a kiss
Meri gave the magic stick a wave ...
Warg's Howl
from the Burping Troll
ken sing as good as Sev
AH-WOOOOO-OOOOOO-OOOOO
She may wail but she can't howl
AH-WOOOOO-OOOOOO-OOOOO
Wargy kiss for this one song
AH-WOOOOO-OOOOOO-OOOOO
Now give the poor ole girl a towel ...
AH-WOOOOO-OOOOOO-OOOOO...
Wargy Blues
from the Burping Troll
My 'puter is dead - Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah
Got kicked in the head - Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah
Din't back up my disk - Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah
Was takin' a risk - Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah
The bluu-uues! got the Wargy bluuuuues
The bluu-uues! got the Wargy bluuuuues
My hubby's so mean - Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah
I'm on his machine - Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah
But it makes him mad - Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah
Thinks I'm being bad - Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah
The bluu-uues! got the Wargy bluuuuues
The bluu-uues! got the Wargy bluuuuues
(Or something like that) (Or "In lethargy all lay!!!")
The leaves were short, The grass was dead,
The milkweed flowers gross and drear.
And to this field, a man was lead,
In sunlight capering Joyfully!
Tinuviel was standing here,
With sword in hand and helm on head,
And watched him frolicking like a deer,
With her eyes rolled back annoyfully!
Yes Beren came from mountains cold,
And wiped his nose upon his sleeves,
Where boogersicles soon took hold,
And scratched him kinda painfully!!
She saw the boogers on his sleeves,
And once again her big eyes rolled,
She watched his lumbering duffus dweevs,
And her lip did curl disdainfully!!
The grasses withered, at his feet,
That through the mire were doomed to roam,
And away she choked on stumbling feet,
As she caught the first smells wiffleing!
Through woven wood to Elven home
Did waft the odor of those feet,
And she wished her watering eyes were stone,
As her nose with pain was sniffling!
She smelt him ever, as the ground,
Did groan of toes like Limburg cheese,
And creatures lay for miles around,
To gasp their last breath huffling!
And then she thought, with feet like these,
We'll steal the gems from Morgoth's crown,
And send all Angband to its knees,
If I could just Stop snuffling!!!
She sought out ever, near and far,
Some kind of mask, her nose to ease,
That smell must reach, the highest star,
She thought, as she trudged grumbling!
Upon her quest, She saw where trees,
That once were tall, drooped limp and hoar,
For surely Beren passed near these,
Where Elk and bear reeled stumbling!!!
**************
At last upon a cure she came,
And found it in the strangest spot!
For where gross foulness was to blame
She tip-toed rather cautiously.
As there upon the ground did rot,
A cheesiness which seemed the same,
To Beren's odour which was hot!
But smelt it she un-nauseously?
So picked it up, did she and place
Upon her countenance so pure.
Over her head and hair did lace,
The globules sticking slimily.
So joyed was she, to find this cure,
Forgot she to a mirror face.
Tinuviel's captivating lure,
Was now bedecked quite grimily!!
**************
Now swiftly after him she came,
Her own aroma now concealed,
His smell that once she thought so game,
Her nostrils no more troubling!!
And all things fled, as on she came
About her feet, withered the field,
And when her toes touched waters tame,
There rose a noisome bubbling!!
Lonely the way, their fate them bore,
And mountains crumbled where they strayed,
The hall of iron, and darkling door,
Gave way as they came bumbling!
The Orcs upon their faces lay,
And Balrogs skuffled for the door,
As Morgoth threw his crown away,
And ran gasping and stumbling!!
The sundering seas between them lay,
To Oromë's woe the fish Still smell!
And will until the final day,
When all's unmade regretfully!
But all, as they say, ended well,
when long ago they walked away,
And where they live is known too well,
Though we'd rather live forgetfully!
*********************
Much thankful we, on lucky star,
That never our way should they come.
For still they wander kingdoms far,
And may they wander Distantly!!
"Whole legions fell!" the Minstrels strum,
"In Lethargy All!!" quoth the Bard.
And rankling, noisome mists, still hum,
While they walk on resistantly!
It's Friday the fourteenth and the kids are excited
It's the last week of school and they're all benighted.
It starts in the morning, when we all learn
Five kids got an early start on summer term.
The five were arrested early that morning,
They were at a party the police were a-storming.
The charges are alcohol, gang activity and drugs
I never thought of these students as thugs.
The day went along until eighth grade lunch
When they decided to throw food a bunch.
The cans and the apple cores they went a-flying,
And under the tables some students went diving.
The principle came in and she was all upset,
She told them to stop, then uttered a threat.
The kids paused in their fight and laughed in her face
And decided it was fun to throw food at HER place.
At the end of lunch when the kids were released
Someone pulled the fire alarm and the riot increased.
They charged out of the building and ran all around
Their sixth period teachers couldn't be found.
It got straightened out and the students went in,
Only to have the alarm pulled again.
They came right back out, then to class returned,
And immediately the alarm was pulled for the third.
By the time they went in seventh period had started
And this time we made sure all the alarms were guarded.
But someone wasn't doing their job
Alarm number four made all teachers sob.
I lined up my students reminding them where
Our meeting place was and we went down the stairs.
Of course I lost two students along the way
I started to think this wasn't my day.
While we were outside, two police cars pulled up
And told us a house nearby had just been held up.
The twelve hundred students outside were all charmed,
The teachers were not, since the robber was armed.
The alarms were turned off (with permission of course)
And the police told us to stay inside 'til they found the source.
A code blue was called - no one was to move
We stayed in our rooms, a challenge this was to prove.
Can I go to the bathroom? Can I go drink water?
The students were asking, thinking my will would totter.
And just when it couldn't get any worse,
We were told that the students couldn't disperse.
Two fourty is the normal end of the day,
Until three o'clock we all had to stay.
We finally shooed all the students out
And not one of the teachers hung about.
All of the teachers were thinking "oh no"
We still have four school days to go.
Maybe over the weekend their spirits will cool
Or else we are in trouble this last week of school!
Monday started wonderful, with no worry
And I hoped this wouldn't change in a hurry.
All of the eighth grade went to King's Dominion,
The end-of-the-year trip, undeserved in my opinion.
But the students behaved for most of the day,
They checked in and had fun, my fears were at bay.
Then at the end of the day, loading the bus
A security guard appeared (this wasn't a plus).
Four of our students were in custody of the park,
They had been caught shoplifting, having a lark.
Good news, only two were actually light-fingered
The other two were friends who had stupidly lingered.
The busses were late getting home that day
And all the teachers were thinking "Tomorrow they go away."
For Tuesday was promotion, the end of eighth grade
A special ceremony with speeches and congratulations was made.
Unfortunately, two students never made it
They had a fight on the bus and both got hit.
Both ended up at Holy Cross hospital
A broken hand and nose made walking the stage impossible.
The rest of the day was pretty normal at school,
The sixth graders were away at the pool.
So only the seventh graders had to be entertained,
And after lunch a movie was ordained.
The students brought food and we watched Harry Potter
Only one kid brought soda, so they had to drink water.
About halfway through, they needed new fun,
So that is when our food fight was begun.
Chips and popcorn, M&M's and candy
Sailed though the air, they thought this was dandy.
I turned the movie off to much protest
And elbow grease they had to invest.
Each student who wanted to leave the room
Had to take a turn at the broom.
Since this was fair, they all went to work
And called those who had started it "jerk."
Wednesday was the seventh grade trip to Six Flags
Which, wonder of wonders, had no snags.
Back at school the sixth graders were antsy
And made whatever trouble suited their fancy.
Thursday, thank goodness, was the very last day
And only half of it we had to stay.
Pictures were taken and in yearbooks we wrote
And the year was ended on a bright note.
For at the end of each class lots of hugs I received
"Don't forget us!" the students would plead.
So with tears in my eyes I waved the busses away like a fool
As I thought "Oh, what a wonderful last week of school."
Now The Work Is Over
from the Burping Troll
Now the work is over,
And the fun's begun.
Gaily we have gathered
Here one be one!
Now the quest is finished
Let us end our day
Right here at the Troll
Where we can laugh and play!
The tunnel was so nasty
Stinky, slimey too
But the Warg did like it
She went A WOOOOOO!
She disappeared once,
But reappeared again.
And became a toy
To the Jabberwock (a friend).
Aerio and Celebsul
Started off the search.
They grabbed some Cherry B
And went off in lurch!
But the Cherry B
Did save the day
It came in mighty handy
When Aerio did spray.
Meri and Erin
Hobbits through and through
Brought light and food and liquor
Baking powder too!
They followed very valiantly
And in the end
Almost became
Our fire torched friends.
Oh the Jabberwock
Was fierce it is true.
Then he got his mommy
And she was worse too!
Then Ekla found us
And shocked us to the floor
She said she went and married
And made a great score.
So here we are returned
To our lovely home
And we start to think now
Where next should we roam?
Let us take a break here
And drink to our content
So bottoms up, To us! I say,
We are so valiant!!!
Whispering, muttering, bothering, pestering;
Pray, do not heed the One Ring.
Constantly murmuring, nattering, pestering,
When what it really wants is...to SING!
Camellia:
A Troll who was known to be a bit hasty,
Hum Diddle Do Diddle Dee Da Day,
Went on a long stroll to find somebody tasty,
Hum Diddle Do Diddle Dee Da Day.
Milo:
Then an early sunrise showed all of it's glory,
Hum Diddle Do Diddle Dee Da Day,
Now a statue of a Troll sits in Middle Earth's quarry.
Hum Diddle Do Diddle Dee Da Day.
Camellia:
An Orc who was known as a great, big meany,
Hum Diddle Do Diddle Dee Da Day,
Met a noble young lad who then called him a weeny,
Hum Diddle Do Diddle Dee Da...Whoops!
Our parodists they are so classy.
Though oftentimes they get right nasty,
With a *biff* and a *bop*,
Then a "You're great - don't stop!"
And they're off to the Troll for an Asti.
Now it's Idril who keeps us in line,
And her posts are exceedingly fine.
She says, "Watch your grammar!"
And, "Try not to stammer,"
With her wit she helps everyone shine.
And you know BadWargMama's a hoot!
When the timid ones see her, they scoot.
She signs with a "grrr,"
But I know we concur
That her Warg-sig's not scary, it's cute!
And then there's our gal, Bridget Chubb,
Trailing hobbits she met in a pub.
Though she's been a bit pervy
And sometimes quite nervy,
Both our pal and her posts we sure luv!
Our Meri's got good stuff to say,
Though she's "Mommy" all night and all day.
[On a personal note,
I do wish (please don't gloat!)
That my folks had spelled my name your way!]
And that Sillimarilli is really
A great help when your life's getting hilly.
Yes, her intellect's steep,
And her thoughts are so deep,
Still, the best is when Silli gets silly.
Sir Russ is a knight not a knave
His humour is stunningly brave
While Idril can Humph!
And Meri can thump
No-one can make him behave
Another line for our friend Russ
Who got Samwise a girl with no fuss
Said Sam, with a leer,
"Do you wish you were here?
My precioussss I can't thanks you enoughs."
Bunnie is our resident parodist
Who really has the hang of thist
But her work is her own
it's not out on loan
because she is not a plagiarist.
Greene Lady, she thought she could write,
The parody seen on this site,
But it all went so wrong,
So she wasn't there long,
Yet she may come back sometime, just might!
Greene Lady could write up a storm
She invented formhal, formul, form...
Real life really sucks
Stay here with us, Chucks
Join in again, please, aw go'arn
AslnLewis has taken the time
For writing and posting this rhyme
I do think that she
(I know you'll agree)
Has written an ode so sublime!
By AslnLewis, Silarien, DancinDebyC, qkbeam, The Greene Lady and
Silarien
Roses are red,
Violets are blue
I'll wine and I'll dine you
On fresh minstrel stew!!!
Bad Valentine!!
As I went over Tip-in-Tyne,
I chanced upon my valentine.
Chocolates and with flowers galore,
A kindly chap, but such a bore!
He saw me and his face went green,
And awful shades I'd never seen.
Gifts bought for another, he had?
My Valentine was such a cad!!!
I stole the presses, lightening quick
And scoffed the chocs till I felt sick!!
The blooms I threw upon the road,
My Valentine was such a toad!!
Without a thought, I left him there,
Then I raced homewards like a hare!
And if you go to Tip-in-Tyne,
Please spit upon that Valentine!!!
Frodo's Song about Strider the CRUISER
(Not Strider the Ranger)
There once was a Cruiser, Strider t'was he called.
He ranged over kingdoms far with deeds that appalled.
No halflings were safe if to the Shire he came.
A friendly smile and wink t'were all part of his game.
Runaway! Runaway! Runaway Hobbity chap!
He's a pervey Hobbit Fancier, some do say he has the clap!
He stalked all his victims with said smile and wink,
Most knew of his coming, as boy, did he stink.
This odour would carry on wind, rain and gale,
While people rang retching, with faces all pale!!
Runaway! Runaway! Runaway Hobbity chap!
He's a pervey Hobbit Fancier, some do say he has the clap!
He once spied a Halfling, with lovely blue eyes.
Thought Strider, I'll have him, won't he be surprised!!
The Cruiser loomed in on his subject so near,
Aiming his weapon at the poor Hobbit's rear!!!
Runaway! Runaway! Runaway Hobbity chap!
He's a pervey Hobbit Fancier, some do say he has the clap!
Master Ferny Went Off A-Courting
In days of old, when Hobbits were bold,
Master Ferny went off a-courting,
His hair 'twas slicked with lard in vast bulk
And stolen blue jacket he was sporting.
His boots were black as a Ring Wraith's charm,
Ripe manure in great swathes encased all.
Odours, which captivate Orc maidens
But cause other fine ladies to fall!!
His attire would not be completed
Till a flower, the finishing touch,
But limp and withered rose hung stifled,
As the whiff of his boots was too much!!
On trod he, our stagnant Romeo,
Yonder Prancing Pony he made way.
To impress androgynous barmaids,
With verses he'd thus practiced all day.
The door opened mighty before him,
Caused by forceful vacuums some do say,
Of customers scrambling for the back door,
In haste, to be out of putrid's way!
So, to the deserted bar went Bill,
His round of refreshments 'twas quite cheap,
For horseflies do not require pressed ale,
When they're trailing a mobile dung heap!
I lie that the bar-way was empty,
To say that nought left could stand to breathe.
Bar wenches where employed to resist
The acrid smells of locals from Bree.
Among this young crowd of fair maidens,
One-aged lass seemed to stand from the throng.
She'd strange features, which rare some may think,
To Bill, they were as sweet as his pong!!
Shyly, she made small conversation,
Doey-eyed Bill noticed not a thing.
This maiden's complexion was stubbled,
Over her lips and under her chin.
Her teeth, they were marvelous frightening.
A cesspit could describe her breath.
Most folk sickened green from its foulness
Waning palely as though close to death.
Of glossy dark tresses there were none,
In there stead was hair like barbarous wire.
Three jugs in each massive hand she held,
Call her pretty? I'd call you a liar!
But Bill was smitten by this damsel,
Enthralled he by her wit, grace and charm.
He even laughed heartily at her,
When a hand-wrestle near broke his arm!
A clandestine meeting was arranged,
In solitude, where none may be missed,
Around the back of the stable yard
Smacked Bill Ferney, a whopping great kiss!!
Our master was fair taken a-back,
By monstrous force, of the kiss returned.
He gasped for his breath, waning greenly
And his lips, teeth and tongue they did burn!!
Though true love's way is always blighted,
Bill could see none to hinder his path.
It came as fair shock to discover,
Courted pantless Uruk-hai , he hath!!
Oh poor Master Ferny was heart broke,
So speedily homeward he dashed hard,
In his own reeking hovel he hid.
From the Pony his conduct was barred!!
The Gusty Ballade of Brave Sir Idril!!!
Poor Sir Idril, a cowardly fellow,
With nimble feet and heart a of yellow,
When often was heard Idril's battle cry,
In the wrong direction would Idril fly!
Brave, brave Sir Idril
Brave Sir Idril ran away,
She bravely ran away, away.
When danger reared its ugly head,
She quickly turned her tail and fled.
Brave, brave Sir Idril.
Proud knights would stand with their swords and lances,
Against mighty foes, they would take chances.
But a suit and great plumes upon her head,
Idril preferred to be tucked up in bed!
Brave, brave Sir Idril
Brave Sir Idril ran away,
She bravely ran away, away.
When danger reared its ugly head,
She quickly turned her tail and fled.
Brave, brave Sir Idril.
Maximus Gaseous was her nickname,
As her turbulent bowels were far from tame.
Most naked flames were strictly forbiddened,
A normal purp, a forest twas riddened!
Brave, brave Sir Idril.
Brave Sir Idril ran away,
She bravely ran away, away.
When danger reared its ugly head,
She quickly turned her tail and fled.
Brave, brave Sir Idril.
Once, Idril's company came upon foes,
Nice legs, ugly faces and hairy toes.
They were mean and nasty, obviously Orcs,
Idril bolted, dropping her rectal corks!!!
Brave, brave Sir Idril.
Brave Sir Idril ran away,
She bravely ran away, away.
When danger reared its ugly head,
She quickly turned her tail and fled.
Brave, brave Sir Idril.
She broke wind and there was a potent roar,
Gassed were enemies, which fell by the score!
The knights all cheered, the battle was won!
Idril continued to head for the sun!
Brave, brave Sir Idril
Brave Sir Idril ran away,
She bravely ran away, away.
When danger reared its ugly head,
She quickly turned her tail and fled.
Brave, brave Sir Idril.
We bards rejoice at Idril's victory,
Dull were our rhymes of deeds so cowardly.
Her windy nature proved to be the thing
So now, instead we all loudly doth sing
Brave, brave Sir Idril.
Brave Sir Idril ran away,
She bravely ran away, away.
When danger reared its ugly head.
She purped and all the Orcs lay dead!
Brave, brave Sir Idril!!!!!
The Nazgul's Blacksmith
It's hard enough being a farrier
When you're working for the witch king.
His horse is always damn nasty
From galloping after the ring!
Nazgûls don't call when they're coming
Just arriving, then on the spot
You tell them you've got pre-bookings
They act like they don't give a jot!
I admit, I had no training,
Just picked up a hammer and nailed.
And bashing away quite carefree,
Then usually my thumb I impaled!!
In bandages, their bill I write
A receipt, I've just got to do.
They claim it back off their taxes,
They're claiming off Saruman too!!
Never a 'thank-you' when they leave,
No, 'see you next time, good job done'.
They swan off, all high and mighty,
Yep, they really are just big scum!!
Well, a blacksmith's life has no charm,
I'm covered all day in grey soot.
Insurance covers my mishaps,
Like sticking a nail in my foot!!
I'll never retire all that rich,
But my job brings in the money.
What will Wraiths do, when the ring's gone?
They'll be jobless, now that's funny!!
Tom and Goldbery - The Lost Years!!
Old Tom Bombadil was quite an irritating git,
He wore loud clothes, thought his poetry a hit!
In summer he picked flowers and skipped through the lanes.
Spouting childish songs which caused many to complain.
His vocabulary was awful, mothers often cried
That finny-fish and dab-chicks he'd made up while inside.
He'd done hard time in Mordor, the crime was never said.
They all thought him harmless, something missing in the head!
He'd got this girlfriend Goldberry, something of a catch.
Most thought her too good for him, not the perfect match.
She had such an empty head, butterflies went through,
Sometimes even water rats used to swim there too!
This mentally challenged pair had a strange plan in mind,
Let's steal from the rivers, lilies of every kind.
They even stole from gardens, pubs and open parks,
And laughed as they went thinking it a mighty lark!
Poor and brainless pair, their crimes were so plain to see,
Two days into their junket, they were caught in Bree.
"Guilty!" shouted the jurors, no appeal to stand,
Community service decreed, working on the land.
Now they live in a hill, by the Withywindle,
Tom talks to poor old trees growing in the dingle.
Goldberry cooks for her man, keeping house indoors,
A parole officer checks they complete their chores.
So, if you see this weird pair running down the track,
Carrying lots of lily flowers in a massive sack.
Singing some strange songs with words you had never known.
They're back into their old ways. Police, quickly phone!!
from the Burping Troll
Ekla - fighting for little breath
From a stink which was just like death
Sausages for the Wargy will
Make the lot of us sickly ill.
The full moon may be silver round
But I won't be hanging around
To be gassed on this first of March
From a stench which caused seas to parch!!!
Seek ye the heirloom of Isildur king
Cousin of your sire's sire's sire.
Although it be a broken, sad thing
It can be fixed with a hot enough fire.
Seek ye the bane of Isildur king
Uncle of your great grandpa Nate.
Although it be but a little thing
Gondor's future depends on its fate.
Seek ye these things in Imladris far
Travel through danger and fear
Set your sights on the Northern star
But whatever you do, don't send Boromir.
Frodo's Lament for Gandalf
When evening in the Shire was grey
his footsteps told us he was back
before the dawn he went away
our silver jingling in his pack
From Wilderland to Western shore
from northern waste to southern hill
through humblest cot and richest door
with muddy boots he tramped at will
Of Dwarves and Hobbits, Elves and Men
of bird on bough and even mice
He knew each secret thought and sin
and kept them secret, for a price
A sob story, an empty hand
a back bent beneath its load
most charming voice in all the land
a weary pilgrim on the road
A lord of wisdom throned he sat
swift in anger, quick to mirth
an old man in a battered hat
quick as a wink, he'd take your shirt
An ancient evil he defied
fire and shadow gone amuck
in Khazad-Dûm his wisdom died
his creditors are out of luck
Sam's Song about Gil-Galad
Gil-Galad was a King of ancient times
But sadly now the harpers sing these rhymes
He very bravely rode forth to Mount Doom
He fought with Sauron, now he's in a Tomb
If you ever, ever wish that you were King,
Remember that it's not always a wonderful thing!
If you've wanted to be king since you were a lad
Remember the story of poor King Gil-Galad!
Poor Gil-Galad! He was mashed into a pulp,
His eyes were gouged out and his elbows broken,
His kneecaps were split and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, poor King Gil-Galad!
His head was smashed in and his heart cut out
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
And his pen--
Viggo's eyes and voice are rare
They can make you melt in a puddle
But Karina fair has much better hair
And my Sweetie's the best for a cuddle.
A Nazgul's Valentine
Violets are Blue
Roses are Red
I'd make love to you darling,
If I wasn't dead.
Ode to a Uruk-hai
Forgive me beloved, if I refuse you a kiss
For your teeth are sharp and bright
I think my jugular you would not miss
Should I come within the reach of your bite.
Forgive me beloved, if I avoid your eyes
For they tell me you're malicious and spiteful
If you'll turn just a bit so that I can see your thighs
That's the part of you that's truly delightful.
Flocks of common crows?
Or feathered spies of the enemy?
Reports they make of all they see.
A winter storm on Caradhras?
Or sorcery from a far off land?
Snowy drifts bury all who stand
Wolves howling in the wild?
Or ghostly Wargs sent to this place?
All will vanish, without a trace.
Just a pool of dark water?
Or does evil live in the water deep?
A menace from the depths does creep.
Echoes of footsteps?
Or a slinking figure following our tracks?
Gollum, the creature, is at our backs.
Halls of ancient Khazad-dûm?
Or passages within a tomb?
Listen, there begin the drums of doom.
The cock crows at the break of day --
he stretches out his neck and stiffens his legs.
The siege of Gondor and fell riders are not his concern,
Only his wifely flock and their count of eggs.
Feel like dancing with elves and mice,
Two drinks are good but three is nice!
Cat in the kitchen, warg by the fire,
Can you give me more rhymes to inspire?
from the Burping Troll
OHHHH, I WISH I HAD AN OSCAR MEYER WEEINNERR..
FOR THEY ARE SOFT AND SQUISHEY AS CAN BEEEE..
AND THEY CAN BE A YUMMY SNACK FOR WARGIEEEE...
AND SHE'LL KEEP ALL THE ORCS AWAY FROM MEEEEEE!
Meri's Valiant Song
from the Burping Troll
A Valiant fight was won, was won...
The Elves were fierce, like burning sun...
Happy Hobbits watched with food...
But some are sad, and want to brood...
But lift your spirits, my dearest ones...
The Elves have helped us tons and tons...
And Meri's here, all nice and clean...
With plates of food as none have seen...
For piled up high before you now...
Is food of kinds only she knows how...
To make and bake, and fill up bellies...
To eat away, all thoughts of the smellies...
For we have won, have won my friends...
And though adventures come to ends...
We meet, and talk and eat of course...
And have no room in hearts for remorse...
So eat.. eat, eat... fill up, feel good...
Meri the hobbit cooks as she should...
For talents to share, and friends to be made...
Makes everyone happy...all come to each's aid!
La, la, la.. twee..diddly dum...
Can't think of anymore..hope my song isn't too dumb!
I'm just a guy from Gondor.
Cause Gondor is my home.
Oh I'm just a guy from Gondor.
Cause Gondor is my home.
I am part of the Fellowship of the thing
I can't ever remember if its a necklace or a ring
I'm just a guy from Gondor.
Cause Gondor is my hoooooooooome
On the first day of Christmas J. Tolkien gave to me:
A hobbit to go far away.
On the second day of Christmas J. Tolkien gave to me:
Two pints of ale
and a hobbit to go far away.
On the third day of Christmas J. Tolkien gave to me:
Three pipes for smoking
Two pints of ale
and a hobbit to go far away
On the fourth day of Christmas J. Tolkien gave to me:
Four blades for slashing
Three pipes for smoking
Two pints of ale
and a hobbit to go far away.
On the fifth day of Christmas J. Tolkien gave to me:
Five loopy elves
four blades for slashing
three pipes for smoking
two pints of ale
and a hobbit to go far away
On the sixth day of Christmas J. Tolkien gave to me:
Six smelly rangers
five loopy elves
four blades for slashing
three pipes for smoking
two pints of ale
and a hobbit to go far away
On the seventh day of Christmas J. Tolkien gave to me:
Seven broken carrots
six smelly rangers
five loopy elves
four blades for slashing
three pipes for smoking
two pints of ale
and a hobbit to go far away
On the eighth day of Christmas J. Tolkien gave to me:
eight staffs for Gandalf
seven broken carrots
six smelly rangers
five loopy elves
four blades for slashing
three pipes for smoking
two pints of ale
and a hobbit to go far away.
On the ninth day of Christmas J. Tolkien gave to me:
Nine walkers walking
eight staffs for Gandalf
seven broken carrots
six smelly rangers
five loopy elves
four blades for slashing
three pipes for smoking
two pints of ale
and a hobbit to go far away
On the tenth day of Christmas J. Tolkien gave to me:
Ten Dwarves a-delving
nine walkers walking
eight staffs for Gandalf
seven broken carrots
six smelly rangers
five loopy elves
four blades for slashing
three pipes for smoking
two pints of ale
and a hobbit to go far away
On the eleventh day of Christmas J. Tolkien gave to me:
Eleven Balrogs flying
ten dwarves a-delving
nine walkers walking
eight staffs for Gandalf
seven broken carrots
six smelly rangers
five loopy elves
four blades for slashing
three pipes for smoking
two pints of ale
and a hobbit to go far away.
On the twelfth day of Christmas J. Tolkien gave to me:
Twelve yummy mushrooms
eleven Balrogs flying
ten dwarves a-delving
nine walkers walking
eight staffs for Gandalf
seven broken carrots
six smelly rangers
five loopy elves
four blades for slashing
three pipes for smoking
two pints of ale
and a hobbit to go far away!
Virtual cookies are the best
They never burn or make a mess
Eat some and then do have some more
They make you happy to your core
Virtual cookies are such fun
They don't add fat, so you can run
Pippin loves them oh so much
do sit down and have a munch
Pippin's cookies are so good
They taste better than Elijah Wood
And adding ale makes them quite nice
(Though Pippin adds ale to even her, um, rice)
And so, as it has been decided
Virtual cookies have not subsided
they come on platters and they flow
To happy patrons who don't want to go.
The Burping Troll
from the Burping Troll
The Burping Troll-ah what a place
for every kind of Middle-Earth race
The cuddly-elves, and pervy hobbits too
It could be the right place for you!
Eating cookies all day long
Pippin stops to sing her song
While all the pub joins in with glee
We sing in perfect harmony
The Warg is hungry(that's no surprise)
So feed her, lest you be unwise
And Aerio is acting strange
must be those 'shrooms, his senses are all rearranged
Going on adventures far
Under the kitchen of our bar
And while the map says "don't go here"
We skip to there without a fear
Because we are a happy group
Down dark passages we do troop
Singing and eating all day long
Won't you come and join our song?
No hobbits were slain on that glorious day,
Though the Men of the Mark died in a big way.
With a blah blah blah blahhhh!
But the battle was won.
Hurrah! What fun.
(I've killed 41).
With a blah blah blah blahhhhhh!
Our dearly departed and fields strewn with gore...
Hobbits are really quite cute when they snore.
With a blah blah blah blah blahhhhh!
Hey! Cute, cuddly halflings are safely ensconced
in Chapter the Ninth,
so let us advance!
With a blah blah blah blahhhh!
Aragorn's Ode to Gondor
Gondor is so stoney
Doo da doo da
Wish I had my throney
Oh da doo da dey
Frodo On the Stairs
Oh we're all gonna fry
fry
fry!
underneath the eye
eye
eye!
Think I'll just lie
lie
lie
down here for a nice little napzzzzzz
Quiet on the Boards Tonight
It's quiet on the boards tonight
as quiet as can be,
for tonight is Movie Night
and they've all gone without me.
No clever banter, wargie drool,
no orc fights, tales or stories,
no talking weapons or Burping Trolls
to chase away my worries.
I'll try to be a sport and wait.
I'll not moan or sniffle.
I'll get to go another day
and it'll be just...*damn!*
It's quiet on the boards tonight
as quiet as can be.
They've all gone out to get sore butts
and see a talking tree!
I'll try to be a sport and wait.
I'll not moan or sniffle.
I'll get to go another day
and it'll be just... PIFFLE!
Three Songs from the Stairs
Gollum:
My ring, she left ussss, left us and she didn't say why.
I say, My ring, my precioussss, left us and she didn't sssay why.
Gone off with that theivin' hobbit Bagginsss.
Now it'ssss Master's gonna die!
Sam:
I brought some rope sir!
some soft, silky rope sir!
But what's the use of rope
when all you do is sleep and mope sir!
Ohhhh, sweet Frodo! --
Frodo:
I'm goin' to Mordor out to those Cracks of Doom.
(Don't you tell Gollum now)
I'm going' to Mordor, goin' out to those Cracks of Doom
We're alllll gonna die
and watch the world go boom.
Yes, we're in it deep friends,
like Knights of Neep friends,
I think I'll sleep zzzzzzzz zzzplay it again Samzzzzzz
Here I come, straight out of the Shire,
Walkin' tall with Sting,
an a fist full of fire,
I'm the H-O-B TO THE B-I-T
So you better stand back or get a taste of me!
We bid farewell to the barrow blade,
Which the blood of the Nazgul hath unmade.
'Twas wrought of old in Westernesse,
And to the purpose of its making,
allow its end attest.
In the hand of a Half-pint, from the Shire,
Wielded not by hate,
but heart's desire,
No greater blow from men more mighty,
Could have laid that sucker low alrighty!
So fare thee well to the barrow blade,
A more noble sticker hath not been made!
Gandalf's Defense of Galadriel
Lothlórien is a nice enough place,
If you're an Elf, A Dwarf or a King.
But few indeed are the mortal men's eyeballs,
Who've seen its weird kind of light.
She's once, twice, three times an Eldar, and we love you!
She's once, twice, three times an Eldar, and we love you.
Galadriel is a friend of mine,
and though I've known her for thousands of years,
Gimli here, scored in just a few days,
I could hang him up by his ears,
She's once, twice, three times an Eldar, and we love you.
She's once, twice, three times an Eldar, and we love you.
Shelob's Song to Sam
I hoped you liked your life says I Shelob,
You'll be sittin' in my belly,
Being twisted into jelly,
And My bulk will surely swell says I, Shelob.
Though you stabbed me and you flayed me,
By the Foul Force that made me,
I will gut you like a pig says I, Shelob!
Tom Bombadil's SOS Song
NFL, XFL, drink sasparillo
Juan Valdez, Gore for Prez,
Help us Bombadillo!
Ring-a-ding, the plays the thing,
By tooth and fang and arrow,
Charlie Sheen is really keen,
Save us from the Barrow!
Beneath the mountain's elbow
Within the Wizard's Belt
In an ancient place called Isengard
Saruman the White dwelt
On passing through his well-oiled gate
You once would have seen orchards
Alas, the grass has met its fate
The fruit trees have been tortured
Now there's tents and trailer parks
Portaloos and cardboard
And in the midst, a citadel
A tower thrusting skyward
Orthanc, which in the speech of elves
Would translate into 'palace'
In the blunt language of the Mark
Means something more like 'phallus'
Saruman breeds the Uruk-hai
Who regard him with great dread
But when he's out of ear shot
They call him Orthanc Head
Tom: Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo!
Ring a dong! hop along! fal lal the willow!
Old Man Willow:
I! Hate! Tom! Bombadil! The next thing that comes along
gets turned into jello!!!!!!
At the Black Gate
Day arrived with a sallow sun
And strumpet trumpets squealed
Then strumpet trumpet crumpet
Replied from far a-field
There then arose a rhythmic din
Like a cave troll with a cough
K'dunk, the day shift clocking on
The night shift clocking off
The weary orcs went to their halls
Reclaiming fluffy toys
To cuddle as they fell asleep
'Cos they can't tell girls from boys
The day shift smiled out from the walls
After sleeping round the clock
They risked a bit of lipstick then
They knew what was what
Boromir's Replacement
I dreamt I stood alone
Upon the banks of the Anduin
A substitute for Boromir
The fellowship in ruin
With Sam and Frodo heading South
The others rushing Westward
I wondered which way I should go
To whom could I do most good
I waved my teddy in the air
And cried a mighty warning
Then sat down in my dressing gown
To wait until the morning
Morning came, but I still sat
Awaiting my awakening
I must admit, I felt a prat
Devoid of armour plating
No helm, no boots, no lembas
And no sheaf to park the teddy
but ... time to choose, I rose real smooth
The brave new Bo was ready
So, I toddled off to Fangorn
With me bunnie slippers flappin'
Though I met some orcs along the way
They all fell dead from laughing
The Entmoot stilled to silence
As I cautiously stepped past them
Looking at me, Quickbeam boomed
"What the POLLINATION'S that then?"
They debated, I drank entdraught
Till my hair stood up on end
Then Treebeard came and asked me
"Was that dead bear once your friend?
The way you treat its body
Makes us think that this is true
And we wondered what the TWIGGIN' AXE
The rabbits did to you?"
As I moved on I was waylaid
By Saruman (and his buddy)
He scratched me with his finger nails
I bashed him with me teddy
They ran away, so I trooped on
The victor of the fight
I came at last to Gondor
And, oh, what a joyful sight
A handsome king, a handsome elf,
Four handsome little hobbits
(Oh, and the wizard Thingy and a
... darn, I've forgot it)
They were heading out to meet me
I could not believe my luck
When - yes - you've guessed
I freakin' well woke up!
Gollum's Lunch
There was a little fish
In its own little pool
And it never would swim
With the rest of the school
It had one song
Which it sang all day
So there wasn't any time
To come out and play
It sang very long
And it sang very loud
Till it drove away
The rest of the crowd
'Why am I all alone?'
The little fish thought
Gollum said, 'Oh, precious
You're so easily caught'
The Barrow Wight's Song
Cold be hand and heart and bone
and cold be sleep under stone
never more to wake on stony bed
never, till the Sun fails and the Moon is dead
three silly hobbits, let them lie
my cold heart doth the fourth espy
Frodo, your eyes do warm this bed
and Sam can't kill me, I'm already dead
I'm a grave-robbin' troll
'Cos I've got no meat
And a big fat troll
Really needs to eat
Then along comes Tom
With his big boots on
Says I'm chewing on his Uncle Tim
Now Tim's bones rest
Back where they belong
I prefer fresh flesh
So I've eaten Tom
You should not just stroll
Up and kick a troll
That Tom was terminally dim
Don't just read the cover of a book
A rotten apple may have a good heart
Rangers are older than they look
They've got sulking down to an art!
He wants to marry an elf
But her dad says he has to be king
Someday he'll live up to himself
But for now he'll just wander and sing!
Faramir's Lament
Oh Boromir, bro-mine,
Where now has your horn got to?
Where is your uni and where your pajamas?
The ones with the little duckies all on them?
O Boromir, bro-mine,
When again will we wrestle?
When again will you put salt in my tea?
My tears are now the only salt for my tea.
O Boromir, bro-mine,
You could have been the Steward
And pretend to be King just like Daddy did.
But you had to go and get yourself slaughtered.
Typical.
Nimrodel
An Elven-maid there lived of old,
With elder sisters two;
Her shining hair in winter cold
She vainly plaited true.
A star she wore between the braids,
A fur-lined cloak above
Fair Nimrodel her sister-maids
Did oft with envy move.
Her sisters once upon her gazed
As under tree she lay;
They snickered long, noses upraised,
And planned cruel tricks to play
Beneath the golden mallorn tree
By falls of Nimrodel
The elder two crept quietly
To toss her in the well!
Where now the youngest is none know,
In sunlight or in shade:
For Nimrodel was banished so
E'en while the prank was played.
That dreadful day her elder kin
While envy shook their hearts
Each took an arm, and tossed her in
The roaring river parts.
A wind rose quickly from the deep
And up the roaring fall
Fair Nimrodel with anger steep
Soared high with dreadful call.
Her siblings trembled in their spot
For now they saw, too late -
Their little sister's wrath was wrought
With power, and with hate.
The river rose to meet her cry,
And snatching up the two,
It flung them down and tossed them high
Their pranks all to redo.
"Oh, mercy!" cried the soggy pair
As helplessly they soared
Around, around in frosty air -
But Nimrodel was bored.
Her eyes flashed brightly, fierce and fell,
Like starlight dark and dank;
She turned away to end the spell,
And tarried on the bank.
They shivered thrice and crawled to her,
With fearful, trembling eyes.
She raised a hand, doom to declare;
A shriek rose in the skies!
Their mother came with shrieks most fell
And bold fist raised on high
"What did I tell you, Nimrodel?!
Get gone, come never nigh!"
Protesting long, the elven-maid
Did glare with visage fey.
But mother's word was not unsaid;
She fumed and stalked away.
She traveled long: her deeds are now
By bards sung in the sun.
It is not here remembered how
Or if her story's done.
For where she wanders none can tell
But all who follow, hark!
Learn from the Lay of Nimrodel
No fair one's wrath to spark.
The hobbits' fire starting song
Hi ho, Hi ho,
It's burning faggots we go!
It's wood, you dorks,
Let's go hunt some orcs!
Hi ho, Hi ho!
There now lives a Man from the West,
Who grows too much hair on his chest.
A dark door will he find
That the Dead live behind;
They'll follow him only if pressed.
To Legolas Greenleaf I give this advice
(Though I know he'll ignore it without thinking twice)
If thou hearest the gulls on that far ocean shore
Thou shan't be content in the woods anymore
So, elf of the woodlands stay far from the sea
Or if thou goest there, don't come whining to me.
